One of the most difficult conversations a parent can have with a child is informing the child that the parents are divorcing. Parents are often uncertain as to how to approach the conversation and worry about the child's reactions. Below are some tips for approaching this conversation in a manner that will reassure the child and make the discussion more productive. The tips originated from Jennifer Coleman, a counselor with a Master of Science in Marriage and Family Counseling. Her comments were originally posted on the December 31, 2008 podcast "Talking To Your Children About Divorce" at http://www.kramer.vs.rosen.com.
First, if at all possible, the parents should tell the child about the pending divorce together. Telling the children together is important because it projects a uniform message to the child. It also reassures the child that the parents are still capable of communicating and working together in the best interest of the child, even if they are experiencing difficulties getting along in general. Modeling this cooperative behavior from the start also shows the child that the parents will be able to continue working together as parents.
The parents should choose a place to tell the child about the upcoming divorce where everyone, especially the child, feels comfortable. The location should also be semi-private, so the child will feel like he/she has the ability to express feelings about the divorce. It is also generally preferable for parents to wait to tell the child about divorce until the parents can offer some tangible information as to how the child's life will/will not change in the face of the divorce. For example, the child will be reassured if the parents can offer information about who is moving out of the house, where the child will live, and how often the child will see the parents.
The conversation will often be smoother if the parents prepare ahead and together for what will be told to the child. It is important to reassure the child that the divorce is not the child's fault, and that both parents will still love the child. Often younger children will not require further information beyond the knowledge that they will continue to be cared for by the parents. However, the parents should expect that older children will have more questions and concerns. It is important to give older children the information they require without placing them in the middle of the divorce or in a caretaker role over the parents.
To this end, it is important for parents to avoid statements placing blame for the divorce on the other parent or on the child. It is imperative for the parents to avoid making the child feel guilty, like the child caused the divorce, or that the parents would remain married if it were not for something that the child did/did not do. Furthermore, the child loves both parents, and when one parent bad-mouths the other, the child often feels that he/she is required to make a choice between the parents. This is also very harmful for the child. A parent should strive to preserve the relationship between both parents and the child and avoid making one parent the "bad guy" in the divorce.
Furthermore, the child should be protected from information about situations that the child cannot effect - particularly finances and personal information. A child should not be placed in the role of worrying whether a parent will be emotionally or financially stable.
Parents should show that they are aware that the child may have a variety of reactions to the news that the parents are divorcing, and that the child's reactions are okay. A parent should not show surprise to any reaction that the child might have.
Often parents are concerned that they will break down and become emotional during this conversation. Showing emotions is acceptable to a point because it shows the child that it is okay for the child to be emotional as well. However, if a parent becomes uncontrollably emotional, the child will then worry about the parent's mental health. Parents should avoid placing the child in this position.
The above information, along with continued cooperation between the parents, are key to protecting the child's future well-being. Numerous studies have shown that children perform better academically, emotionally, physically, and socially when they are protected by their parents from the divorce proceedings and when the parents are able to maintain a civil relationship in making parental decisions.
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